like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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