The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
