Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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