watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
