So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
His hands were made for my vagina.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
