I just pynch a tree in the face
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
