im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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