Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
