Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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