I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Randomize
