There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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