Cold hands, warm shart.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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