The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
