I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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