She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
