Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
