xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
