If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Randomize
