Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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