Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
