So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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