I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
