Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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