I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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