my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
organizing the empties. That sober.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
