We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
