Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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