dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
