so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
