Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
