I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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