Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
