i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
