No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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