his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I just want to make out with him forever
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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