you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
