dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
