I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
