Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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