I faked an abortion last night.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
