don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Randomize
