he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
