Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
