I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
