I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
