WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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