The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
