mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
