you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
