I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
