Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
