I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
