I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
