Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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