I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
