Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Randomize
